The Screen Hackers Guild

The Screen Hackers Guild or SHG (pronounced shg, or for those of you mentally challenged individuals that demand a vowel amongst your consonants, shug) is an uber elite organization whose Screen Actors Guild members are 313371337. This is a designation that I’m sure you all aspire to but few if any of you will ever attain. Sadly, most of you will never rise above 1337 status. To be truly 313371337, you must pass the usual Screen Actors Guild qualifications, i.e. physical conditioning, perfectly straight ultra-white teeth, the ability to cry and sweat on cue, etc. Once you have met these rigorous qualifications, you will then need to take the SHG exam. This is an exam that many try to take, but few, if any pass. Its difficulty has been compared to that of working out the very last decimal place of PI in your head while you need to take a pee. Not for the faint of heart, right? I’m going to give you the test in a minute, but I want to caution those of you with fragile egos against even attempting this test. It will hammer home your humble 1337 status and has been known to leave test-takers in tears of frustration and rage. For the rest of you who fail, it will help you come to grips with your 1337 status and allow you the enjoyment of cheering when an SHG member comes onstage in a movie or TV show knowing that they truly are 313371337.
Okay, are you ready? Here’s the test:
You have EXACTLY 30 seconds to complete this test. First, sit in front of a computer terminal. Second, wrinkle your brow and adopt a look of intense concentration (method actors may wish to contemplate intangibles such as why their last girlfriend dumped them or how they ended up with spinach on their teeth at the last red carpet event.) With the clock at 30 seconds, begin typing in rapid fire bursts using all your fingers (playing air guitar is a good practice for this section of the test). When the clock hits EXACTLY 29 seconds, sit up, look to one side and say “I’m in!” Couldn’t do it? You are not alone. Common mistakes are: actually typing something, not frowning hard enough, and finishing before the 29 second mark. Remember, just because you are 1337 doesn’t been you are 14/\/\3.
Till next time.

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